Thursday, August 6, 2009

On an even more personal note...

If you're a regular reader, you'll know the other day that I was contemplating the existence of A Couch With A View and I was questioning where I was going with this... I expressed my lack of personal posts and how "boring" (for lack of a better word) my life is and that it doesn't give me much fuel for personal posts...

This personal post doesn't come from anything except for my heart and my need to just get it off my chest, expressing my frustration, trying to let it go and maybe come to some sort of terms with the situation.

My husband is a recovering alcoholic and I'm very open with it, as is he. I have a ton of pride inside for how much he's accomplished over the years and though there have been hurdles for us to overcome, we've done it together and he's done a fabulous job of taking care of himself. But living with my husband for the past 6 years has made me realize that there is someone else in my family who has a problem and how to approach it is the tough part.

To anyone, my mother looks like your normal, everyday, gorgeous (almost) 47 year old woman. She's funny, she's nice, she's everyones friend... She's finally got to a point in her life where she has everything she could really want. Yet I can't remember the last time that I've seen her without a drink in her hand. The drinking has even gotten her the nickname "Bully" for her favorite brand of wine.

I've noticed such a decline in her health, her memory, her persona.... and its depressing. You're supposed to always be able to look up to your mother and I can't remember the last time I would have been able to do that. Talking with my husband, as an alcoholic, he's told me what is going to happen (typically) and I'm quite fearful for the future for her, as well as me and my children. I don't ever want to be in a position to tell my kids that they can't see Grandma because she's been drinking. I don't ever want to tell my kids that Grandma's in the hospital with chirrosis of the liver.

How I'd love to confront her... express my concern... have her get help... but I'm "the child." I will always be looked at as "the child" and who am I to try and put my own mother in her place. My dad (step-dad) doesn't feel like he wants to confront her on it yet, but we've discussed it and we both know its going to need to be done eventually.

Case in point... the kids birthday party is on the 15th. I DID NOT purchase the liquor license in order to bring alcohol into the park. For Christs sake, its a 5 and a 1 year old birthday party, is it necessary? She's already told her drinking buddy to bring a cooler and I've already told her that she better not.

I really just needed to vent... I'm feeling empty and a void because I wish I had my "whole" mom, not only for myself, but for my kids...


Sarah August 6, 2009 at 5:04 PM  

*hugs* I love this new side, this delving into your life. I know that I already knew this stuff, but I really think you're tapping into a whole new world of advice and people willing to lend an ear by opening yourself up like this. Your mom is lucky to be surrounded by family that cares so deeply about what she's doing.

Unknown August 6, 2009 at 5:08 PM  

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this. Both of my parents are alcoholics, so I know where you're coming from. Infact, there are parties that we have and don't invite them {especially my mom} to for fear of embarrassment. I don't want everyone knowing how my parents really are kwim. If you need to vent or talk about this, feel free to email me. I know know how hard and frustrating it can be, and you need to get your feelings out.

Leslie M. August 6, 2009 at 5:17 PM  

Ahhh I am so sorry Case! YOU are 100% right. alcohol has no place at a kids party. She needs intervention by the WHOLE family. If you have other family members who will support you, maybe you can ALL talk to her. (She will feel GANGED UP on!) But she is not going to do anything until she is darned good and ready.. KNOW THAT!)

She has to hit Gutter ROCK Bottom.. YOU know it is a Disease!

I don't have a Mom or Dad.. they are gone.. and neither had a problem with Alcohol. but my Sister's in-laws did.

I will be praying for you..
Hugs BeBe


Louise | UPrinting August 6, 2009 at 6:35 PM  

I hope you won't stop blogging any sooner because this may help you overcome the things that have been bothering you. You already said, you need to vent. And here, you can vent as much as you like, and no one will ever judge you for doing so. Certainly, your readers won't do it. We don't have the right to since we don't know you personally.
I can't say much about your mother. I know a lot of people who are alcoholic, and have many times warned them to stop. You need to tell her to minimize the booze. You're not just the child, you are her child. If there's any one in this world who could tell her to stop drinking, that would be someone of her own flesh and blood.

Just my two cents. :)

taysmommy August 6, 2009 at 7:45 PM  

girl you are so raw and open. I hope when the time comes to confront your mama she'll be open and willing to get help. (((HUGS)))

Mom Union August 6, 2009 at 10:33 PM  

Thank you for sharing that. I'm also a recovering alcoholic, 7 years sober. Don't worry about your place as "the child" or that you feel it's not "your place" to tell your mother what to do. Your mother has a serious health condition. Just say it. "I think your drinking has become a problem. I don't remember the last time I saw you without a glass in your hand, and you're even planning to bring alcohol to a children's birthday party. What do you think?" She'll probably be mad and maybe she won't talk to you for a little while, but what if you don't say anything and she drives drunk. How does she plan on getting home from the birthday party? Do you need to set up a "designated driver" for a kid party? My heart goes out to you, Casey. I'll be sending you good vibes. Heather

CMC August 6, 2009 at 10:43 PM  

Goodness, you've got a lot on your plate! You're in a tough predicament, I agree, but sometimes situations call for role-reversal, making the child become the parent. I think you need to confront Mom. No, it won't be easy, but it's a necessary evil. You could say something like "Don't you want to stick around for a good long time to watch your grandbabies grow up? They need you around. I need you around."

I've dealt with quite a bit of alcoholism in my family, too, and it ain't pretty. However you decide to attack it, I wish you the best.

spitfyr323 at hotmail dot com

Kristin August 7, 2009 at 12:50 AM  

Oh Casey, I had no idea. But my Father died from his problems when I was young. I wish I could have talked to him more, have known who he was.

Casey I'm so sorry!! *HUGS*

Anonymous,  August 7, 2009 at 2:06 AM  

You and I have literally grown up together; and a big part of that reason is because of our mothers friendship with eachother. I look back at all our pictures or home made videos growing up and sure enough both of our mothers ALWAYS have a beer in their hand. I think the main reason our moms stopped being friends was because of the whole drinking issue. My mom still attends AA meetings to this day and has not drank in YEARS. I dont think any bad would come from saying something to your mother at all..At first it may be a rough ride but in the end it will only be good, for your sake, for your moms sake, but most importantly for your children's sake. The one thing Im grateful for is the fact that you and I have managed to not have whatever happened with our moms get in the way of us. Your my true sister and I will always have your back. I think that you have become such a wonderful person and you wont be looked at as the "child".

I wish I could be there for the bday party! I miss you so much! I love you!

Liz August 7, 2009 at 1:11 PM  

I remember you telling us about this in Chicago, and I am so sorry! I can't imagine having to think of a way to "confront" your Mom to help her. I hope that you and your family can join together and remind her how much you all LOVE her, and that is why you want her to receive help! Hugs to you, and love you!!

Kara August 17, 2009 at 3:41 PM  

You're in a tough situation. I haven't been in this exact scenario, but I can tell you from other similar experiences that you should stick to your guns when it comes to boundaries with your kids (like the birthday party issue). I'll be praying for you AND your mom.

Amy August 21, 2009 at 2:16 AM  

Very tough situation. Good luck.

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