Sunday, June 28, 2009

Take the high road?

I'm going to let you in on a bit of my past.

My father is not really my father. My parents have been together for the past 9 years and in those 9 years, my step-father has been more of a father to me then my biological dad has ever been. When I was 16, after years of in and out of my life, my father decided it was another "in" time and we went to dinner one night. The night progressed by my bio-father nagging me about my mothers love life, putting her down, putting me down and being an all out jerk. We were at a restaurant where my mom worked a few nights a week for some extra money, so most of the waitstaff knew who I was, but that didn't stop him from being an ass.

Next thing I knew, my bio-dad flicked me in the forehead from across the table. Leaving a massive welt. Then when we were leaving, he smashed the door to the restaurant in my face. One of the waitresses who knew me poked her head out the door and yelled, "Casey, are you alright??" Of course I responded yes, and went on my way with my bio-dad to give me a ride home.

When we got back to my house, he wanted to come inside to use the phone and who am I to say no? Letting him in was my way of avoiding conflict. Needless to say, somehow an argument ensued and I wound up getting beat up pretty badly. By the next morning, I had a restraining order and was practically disowned by that entire side of my family.

Fast forward to recent days, I've spoken via facebook with a couple of my uncles and I've attempted to keep in touch with my grandmother over the years, but it always seemed one sided, me being the only one who wanted to actually try. About 3 weeks ago, I received a letter from my grandmother basically bitching me out for not wanting my bio-dad in my life and how I'm robbing the whole family of knowing my kids and I'm robbing my kids of their heritage.

Here's my dilemma, I'm not one to bite my lip and keep my mouth shut. I say what I have to say and thats it, but in this situation, do I take the high road and let it go and not respond? Here's my take, I'm not robbing my kids of shit. My kids are well rounded, amazing children. Do I explain the whole situation to my 4 year old and confuse her about who her grandfather is? Cause as life is now, she has an amazing grandfather who loves her more than anything. Do I possibly tarnish that bond that they have? I don't think that I can. I can't discredit my step-father for all the amazing things that he's done for us over the years. I love him too much to do that. I thought as parents we were supposed to protect our children from assholes? Do I want my kids around the same man who beat the crap out of me? Absolutely not.

I'd love to respond and explain it all to her, but I'm not sure if I can without coming off like a major bitch. Though I feel like allowing myself to be a bitch in this situation is warranted. I want to let her know that child support isn't actually doing your duty as a parent. And just because child support was paid, once again, on and off, throughout the years, doesn't mean that my bio-dad is entitled to a damn thing. Is it a matter that she feels guilty that the son that she raised acted like this? I'm positive it is. I'm positive that she wants to take blame and guilt off of herself and throw it on me. I can't allow myself to feel guilty over this, but do I just let it go? Its hard to keep your mouth shut on something that you have a strong opinion on. I'm not sure I can do it. I know for years she's only heard the one side to the story, where I probably come off like an ungrateful, rotten child, but there's 3 sides to every story. Mine, his and the truth. Fact of the matter is though, that 2 of those stories are the same. Mine and the truth. I'm not sure that I can take the high road on this one.


Sarah June 28, 2009 at 5:11 PM  

Casey, it's not taking the high road. It's called not letting them know they are even worth talking to. Why would you want your kids to even know they exist?! Don't give that side of your family the pleasure! Say nothing, make no contact. If they loved you, respected you, and were on your side, a rift NEVER would have happened.

taysmommy June 28, 2009 at 9:49 PM  

What a shitty ass situation mama. I think you'll save yourself alot or turmoil if you ignore it. And if they really wanted contact with you then the letter wouldn't have been bitching you would be more of we want to see you, we miss you, we want to know your children.... Thats wrong of them to do that to you, don't give them the satisfaction of a response. Heart you!

LiveLaughLoveCj June 28, 2009 at 10:01 PM  

Casey, you know in your gut what is the right thing for YOU and your children. You don't owe anyone anything. Let them say or think what they will - as you said you've got an amazing step-dad who is there for you, and as a grandfather for your children.

You took the abuse once, don't take it again! No way! No how! You are more precious than gold! Don't ever ever forget that.

Jenn@ The Crazies June 29, 2009 at 10:12 AM  

I would NOT take the high road on this one! I would tell it like it is!! He sounds like a jerk and it sounds like uou have an amazing step dad like I did. Thank god for step fathers who act more like dads then bio dads! God bless you Casey! Stay strong

kado! July 1, 2009 at 1:32 PM  

Casey...he sounds abusive...I have a horrible "mom & dad"...but wonderful aunts & uncles. I was abused by my "dad" and my "mom" took his side and did not protect's a long story and probably some future post....I still keep in touch with good positive people from that side of my family...but if they are not happy do not need them in your life...they do not deserve to me there! They obviously are not looking at the Whole have reasons why your bio-dad in NOT in your life...and they should want to understand those facts if they still want to be a part of your kids life...and respect that.

I could write much more...but like I stated in a comment earlier...I'm having one of those weeks....I hope you are feeling better!

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