Saturday, January 15, 2011

Current Events....

I've sat here and stared at the "new post" page and attempted to write this time and time again over the past few weeks. Here I am, I've convinced myself that I have to do it. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. It must be done. Its gotta have some sort of cleansing or calming effect I'm thinking. Who knows, but its worth a shot.

Shit has come crashing down around me recently and I'm having a horrible time dealing with it. When the kids are around, I put on my happy mom face, but its all just an act. I'm a pretty good actress if I do say so myself.

As some of you may know, I split from the husband over the summer. I moved out into my own little apartment and he moved into his own little apartment. We split the kids time 50-50 and I worked my ass off when I didn't have them in order to provide for them and not take time away from them. My ex is a "recovering" alcoholic. There is no disease like it. I've dealt with it for the past 8 years and the time came where I just couldn't do it to myself anymore. I couldn't take the constant question in my head if he was going to slip up again. Over the past month and a half or so, he's slipped. There was a night I left work 4 hours early to race to his house to get my children because he was drinking. At that point, he got back on the wagon and things got better again. But I still withheld the kids from him, because I was too scared. What if something happened while he was with them? I don't know how I would deal. I filed for full custody.

In the past 2 and a half weeks, I started letting him take the kids again. He looked better, his complexion returned, he seemed happier, he seemed like his shit was coming together again. Friday the 7th, he was supposed to watch them overnight so that I could work my regular Friday night shift. About 10 minutes before I left the house to bring them over, he texted and told me not to bring them over, that he had a migraine. I knew that the drinking had started again. I didn't bring them, and I didn't make it to work that night, simply cause I had no sitter. On Saturday, I spoke with him and he confirmed that he had been drinking again, and was currently drinking. I did the usual lecturing and hung the phone up, went about my regular day. Sunday I called his parents and filled them in on what was happening. I was told not to "burn him too bad" because "he could help me one day!" Complete and utter BULLSHIT. About 10 minutes after I got to work on Sunday night, he called to let me know he was going to kill himself. Jump off of the bridge nearby and kill himself. He had nothing to live for. I called 911 and they picked him up and brought him to the psych ward.

I came to find out that he was brought to the psych ward Saturday night too, he had gotten into a fight with someone at a bar and the cops had to come get him then too. Who ever he got into a fight with, he must have really pissed off, cause they smashed his car all up. Regardless, the hospital released him again on Monday. So two stints in the psych ward over two days and they still release him? I'm not sure I get that.

I've been called some of the most mean, horrible, nasty names that I've ever heard in my life. I've grinned through it and simply laughed, because what else can I do? I've had my 6 year old tell me she never wants to see her father again. What do you say to a 6 year old that feels that way? My heart is broken for my children and I do all that I can for them, but what else can I do? He has skipped town with his parents, the next day my custody papers arrive and I need to have him served. Of course, with my luck.

I took a HUGE pay cut because I had to change my schedule to accomodate when I have babysitters. So not only did I take a pay cut, I still have to pay out to have someone watch them. I'm falling further and further in the hole.

Everyday I get up. I smile and hug my kids. I secretly sit and cry when they cant see. I go about my normal day. I try to get ahead. There's nothing else that I can do. I've applied to get help through the state, but we'll see what I qualify for. Everything is a process.

I'm humbled. I know what I'm capable of and I'm realizing what I'm not. I'm strong, but I'm not as strong as I've made myself out to be over these years. I've been knocked down a peg, but I'm okay with that I think.


Linda Kish January 15, 2011 at 7:33 PM  

You poor thing. That is so hard. If you were close, I would gladly come watch your kids for you. I'm guessing you have thought about Alanon or whatever it is for families of alcoholics. Take care.

Storm, The Psychotic Housewife January 15, 2011 at 9:36 PM  

I'm so sorry you have to go through all this. You're in my thoughts!

Amy @ Marvelous Mommy January 15, 2011 at 11:17 PM  

Things WILL get better. Your POS ex sounds just like my father-in-law. He just doesn't learn and is too selfish to see that it is affecting other people, esp his children. His wife just recently left him after nearly 20 years of marriage! Good luck! I hope things turn around soon!

Tamara B. January 16, 2011 at 11:19 AM  

So sad to have read your post :( You are such a wonderful person and so srry what you have been going through. To much damn stress tat you don't deserve but you are taking the steps to gain control again by moving into your own place. It sucks to be married to an alcoholic and just can't imagine the shear hell you and the children have been living in. So glad you posted because I am hear if you need to vent so email anytime {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

Edie Mindell January 17, 2011 at 5:13 AM  

Your husband is such a coward for not having the courage to battle his "illness" to provide and be there for his family. I hope someday he realizes how much he lost. You, on the other hand, should be more stronger for your kids, because it's only you that they've got. Don't worry, my prayers are with you everyday. Just hang on.

LiveLaughLoveCj January 19, 2011 at 12:09 AM  

No one should have to go through all of this - especially YOU!

So, what do you need? What can we do for you... ? for the kiddos? How can we help?

I hear you Casey, every single word spoken and unspoken.
find me - let's talk!

Sarah January 19, 2011 at 11:48 PM  

You know I'm thinking of you. You're doing good. You're kicking ass and taking names and doing what you need to do for your children and yourself. I, for one, am proud as hell to call you my friend.

YiShaun at AdoraPet January 24, 2011 at 10:12 PM  

I think you are so strong. You do so much for your children, and you do so much to let them know they are loved and cared for. Keep being amazing.

victoria99 January 28, 2011 at 9:07 AM  

Sounds like you are going through alot. I also have a husband that is an alchololic. He drinks at minimum 3 days a week and he is verbally a meany when he drinks and the morning after he drinks he's moody. I've tried to talk to him before but he doesn't think he has a problem and he thinks that I've brainwashed our daughter into thinking the same. I have had to tell my daughter because when you have a husband that is nasty when drinking, you want to protect your children and let them know it's best to walk away when they begin to argue. Arguments break out and just don't seem to go away with him. It's annoying and I too have a really hard time choosing if this is what I want for the rest of my life. I want someone who will strive to have things in life and have found myself in a rut, with nothing at age 40. So, I guess I'm just letting you know - there's lots of us out there. Dealing with it isn't the easiest and it is a mind game that is irritating in my opinion. I stopped trying to figure it all out and have come to the conclusion there's just no reasoning and for that I've lost respect and love along the way. It's just hard to walk away. Lucky for you, you've learned to move on!

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