Thursday, September 9, 2010

To be open with myself, to share with you...

I'm not all that sure I ever realized how much I relied on people.

Not for money or goods or anything, but just to have someone there. To know someone is on my side. To have someone in my corner, so to speak. This whole separation leading to divorce has made me realize that I hate to be alone. The ex used to tell me, and has somewhat recently, that I'm a rebound dater, and that he was once a rebound too. I see how that can be true, because I'm not sure how to be alone anymore. I'm doing my best to do for me, and not to rely on other people, even if it is only for their company. Its hard to be alone. And I know I have two little ones home with me at times, and I know technically I'm not actually alone, but without a companion there, without someone to pick me up, I've had to learn how to pick myself up.

I started therapy. I can hardly afford it, with its $50 co-pay each time I go, but I know I need it. So far they say I have an adjustment disorder with depression, meaning I don't handle any sort of change well at all, that its pushing me into a depression. I need to learn how to deal with change. I have high-highs, and super low-lows, and I need to get that evened out. I don't feel like myself by any means and its a horrid, horrible, feeling. I'm at the point where I absolutely LOVE to go to work, because there I am pretty much forced to hide how I feel, I put on my big fake happy face and I sling beers and burgers and everyone is happy. Even though I feel like I'm dying on the inside...

Bear with me, I'm trying to get back to who I am, but I'm not sure who that is anymore. Its going to be a long, hard road, but I've got new boots for walkin'...

4 comments:

Heather September 10, 2010 at 12:20 PM  

Take care of yourself, Casey.

Leslie M. September 10, 2010 at 10:26 PM  

Praying for you Case!!
XOXO
Leslie

Kristin September 10, 2010 at 10:37 PM  

Aw Casey I am so sorry. I think it will be good for you, and being honest allows you to realize how you feel. love ya!

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